Mary freaking kisser is one of those annoying girls who comes up to you and smothers you with lipstick. She does it just when I really don’t want her to. She does it just to annoy me, I know that much.
She does it to test my resistance and to see if I’m “relaxed” enough. She knows I hate it but she thinks it’s good for me. It’s like she thinks she’s gradually wearing away at some stiff disease I have, but she’s just making things worse. How does she expect me to relax when she’s always kissing me by surprise? I can’t rest for a moment in the fear that she might spring out on me.
“Oh, come on spoilsport!” she’ll laugh, but she’s the only one who’s enjoying it. Sure, everyone else laughs and smiles but I can see their looks of contempt and Mary’s just oblivious to it all. It ties me up inside this embarrasment. I’m just so mixed up I feel hollow. I wish she’d just stop but I don’t know how to get away from her. I don’t know how to make her realise how bad it makes me feel. “Cheer up misery guts!” is her favourite retort. Even now I can see everyone nodding and wondering what this happy girl is doing with such a loser. No-one realises that I’m normal and that it’s Mary that’s the freak.
I’ve hatched a plan though. I’m going to have metal put on my teeth and have them wired up to electric current. It’s not difficult you know. I’ve seen it in a book. I’ll have the trigger switch in my hand at all times, and when she grabs me again, the natural tension I feel will make me squeeze it.
BANG! She’ll feel it too all right! And then maybe she’ll think twice about deciding what’s good for people. Perhaps then she’ll learn a few things about how to “relax” when someone’s got it in for you!
I do care though. I’ll go to see her whilst she’d in hospital and say “Relax, Mary! So, you’ll never kiss again but surely there are worse things.” And I’ll just keep saying “Cheer up misery guts!” until she can’t stand it anymore and freaks out for good.
I sometimes sit up in bed in a sweat though. I have these dreams that I love Mary and that I enjoy her kissing me. I see her in my dreams and she looks lovely and I almost want to kiss and do things to her. It’s then that I wake up feeling scared and evil with the sheets drenched. I can’t let her get the better of me like that. That feeling makes me want to carry out my plan all the more.
